Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
