you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize