our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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