Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He has the fingertips of a God
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