i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you had me at cake vodka
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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