my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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