i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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