My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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