God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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