What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
