i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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