i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
