I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
