I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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