Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
