Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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