i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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