i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she peed on how many people?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
