Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
