Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
