areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
