But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
