Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
There are leaves in my underwear?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
