I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
