Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
