final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
