I'm jealous of your bromance
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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