my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
