i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
