Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
