At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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