His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
