Moan for me like Helen Keller
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
