Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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