party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
