i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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