Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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