I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I'm really busy with my period
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