Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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