closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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