we're chasing vodka with high fives
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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