Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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