i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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