did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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