Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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