Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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