The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
