I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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