I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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