So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
