oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
