I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
