Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
