Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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