last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
