I am in a vortex of obligation.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
