Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
